Night Terrors

Dear Dr. G,

I need some advice. I've been happily married for 6 years. My wife is a beautiful, caring, loving woman, and I love her to death. Unfortunately, I can't sleep in the same room as her anymore because she farts in her sleep, and it's not just one or two scattered about; it's an endless string of loud, honking farts that would wake up even the soundest of sleepers. I've asked her to see a doctor, but she doesn't even believe it's happening. I probably wouldn't believe it either. I don't know where she gets the gas. Luckily, they're mostly odorless. Have you heard of this before? What can I do? Please help!!!

-Travis T.
Snark, KY

TT,

Your wife's nocturnal flatulence almost certainly stems from a rare, but not totally unheard of condition known as a deviated rectum. She's basically snoring out her rear end because the walls of her rectum are off center with relation to her butt opening. When she reaches REM sleep, her muscles relax completely and that's when the parade begins. The condition causes some other messy problems that she likely hasn't told you about, but don't worry about that.

There are a few solutions that I'm aware of, the most effective being surgical correction of the misalignment. It's a relatively simple procedure, but like any surgery, it'll cost you big money. If you don't want to dish out the cash, you can try a device manufactured by Biggum's Pharmaceutacals called The Butt Muffler. It wraps around the waist and stifles unwanted anal noise. Most reviews of the product are positive, but many users report experiencing extreme pain with the device. That's all I can tell you. Keep in mind that I'm not a butt doctor, and you should always consult an expert whenever you experience disgusting problems like this. Good luck.

-Gork

Picturesque

Dear Dr. Gork,

Could you post a picture of yourself? You sound sexy. Am I being too forward?

~Anon

Anony,

Thanks for the flattering input. I've fiddled with the idea of putting a picture of myself on here somewhere. I guess now is as good a time as any. I hope I don't disappoint though. There is now a picture of me from a few years ago under my profile.

-Gork

Hunger Strike

Hey Doc!

I have a 4 year old son who is obsessed with eating his own boogers. At first I was totally disgusted by this behavior, but this morning I woke up and thought, "Maybe this should be encouraged behavior." With all of your knowledge, I'm hoping you can tell me the pros and cons. Thanks for your time.

Mama Booger

Mama,

Let me start by saying that I abhor the word "booger" so from here on I shall inexplicably refer to them as "primpings". Now, let's look at this objectively. Firstly, as much as we don't want to, we have to acknowledge that no matter how gross primpings seem, everyone produces them. What we choose to do with them is a more personal matter.

Ostensibly, the eating of ones primpings looks like a pretty innocuous venture. I mean, if it was in our body to begin with, putting it back probably isn't that big of a deal, right? Maybe, but would you put anything else that falls out of your body in your mouth? I thought not.

Before we examine pros and cons, consider the composition of primpings. Here's a terrible, hard-to-decipher pie chart that lays it out for you:













Primping Composition (by percentage)

The chart speaks for itself. Primpings are dried up mucus balls that have captured undesirables and worked themselves to the front of your nasal openings. I would say that encouraging your children to munch on them is probably a bad idea, but ultimately harmless. You say he's obsessed; obsessive behavior is usually pretty healthy, but a primping fettish is disgusting. If there are any pros, I should doubt they are weighty enough to offset the nastiness. If I were you, I'd nip this one in the nose before your son becomes addicted.

-Gork

Heavens to Betsy

Dr. Gork,



Thanks for taking the time...

I need your help. I quit my janitorial job a few weeks ago so that I could focus on my dream. I've always wanted to be an inventor; I always hear about people making big bucks off of their inventions and I want to get in on that. My problem is that I must have inventor's block or something because I can't think of any good stuff. Do you have any invention suggestions for me? Thanks man.

-Chester Plumpings,Goldwater, CA

Chester,

As you apparently guessed, I do have a rather prolific proclivity for invention. However, correct me if I'm wrong, if I tell you what to invent, doesn't that make me the inventor? Aside from violating all the probity of the Inventor's Code, it doesn't get you anywhere as an inventor to be ganking my superstar ideas. What I can do is try to help you get in the state of mind you need to be in to make some sweet and easy cash.

The first thing you need to know is that no matter how innovative and nifty your product is, nothing is going to happen overnight. There are numerous patent laws and copyright considerations you need to familiarize yourself with, not to mention marketing ploys and business cheatings. I guess what I'm saying is that it may have been a teency bit premature to quit your job.

Oh well. What's done is done. There are only 2 approaches to invention: unification and simplification . They are what they sound like. If you take the unification path, just look for things that people like to have or enjoy to do and combine them into one thing. To use a personal example, in the late 80's I invented 'Heavy Metal Jigging'. I knew that people loved traditional Irish Garb Dancing, and I also knew that people couldn't get enough rock music. I simply merged them. It didn't really catch on anywhere, save for a few remote corners of Bavaria, but you get the idea. I included a marketing video that I made of a jigging festival to help you picture it.

I suggest you steer clear of the simplification strategy as you most likely aren't intelligent enough to pull it off. I'll throw you a little bone though. What are the 2 most popular daily activities for all humans? If you guessed afternoon naps and bowel movements, you're right on the money. Find a way to combine them and you'll be swimming in green. Good luck weirdo.

-Gork

Chuck rhymes with lotsa stuff...

"Dr" Gork,

I have to say, I think it's dangerously irresponsible for you to post this garbage on the internet. I really think you need to be exposed for the fraud that you are. Your advice is unwaveringly terrible. Your responses are grandiloquent, verbose, condescending, and utterly bombastic. I've got you figured out. You proffer insipid advice using a series of confusing, run-on sentences culminating in some cankerous remark leaving your reader befuddled and ashamed. I guess my question is, how do you sleep at night? Please warn your readers that you lack the accumen to do what you're doing. Thank you.

P.S. I found like 10 grammatical errors in your blog.

-Chuck Suckles
Muppleton, VT

Chuckles,

I don't usually publish the slandering hate mails that I receive (and I get a lot...it's about a 60/40 split in favor of vituperance). Afterall, I wouldn't be much of a self-promoter if I did, eh? Don't worry, I don't take it personally. I found your remarks to be intriguing though. You've clearly examined my posts with careful scrutiny; I mean you did find all 10 of my secret grammatical Easter eggs. Despite your clear enthusiasm for my entries, you proceed to vilify me as if I have some virulent ulterior motive. I assure you, and all my thousands of readers, I do not. Also, I have the perfect amount of accumen to answer any question about anything.

As to how I sleep at night, I would liken it to that of how a baby might sleep in the arms of a beautiful angel floating gently above the whitest clouds you've ever seen as she sings to me heavenly lullabies and ever so slightly rocks me to and fro. So, yeah, pretty fucking soundly. This is probably the point in the post where you expect me to execrate you, call you a buffoon, and send you on your way. Well, I'll spare you this time, but if you write back, I shant be so magnanimous.

-Gork

Umlauts and Cumquats

Dr. Gork,

I can't tell you how good it is to have you back. I've been mustering the courage to ask this question for a long time, and I know everyone wants to ask but won't--Why are we men so attracted to boobs? I mean, when you consider what they really are, doesnt the whole thing seem a little overdone?
-Chris
Wheeling, WV

Christoperv,

That question has been asked since the dawn of questions. If you didnt know that, you haven't paid any attention. Joe Dirt once mused rhetorically, "I don't know, why is the sky blue? Why are boobs good?" Myriads of theories have been put forth, but none have been proven.

One school of thought is the almost disgustingly pragmatic and logical notion that the attraction is somehow an instinctual response; some inate feeling born into us since caveman days. That is to say, we love boobs because they characterize a superior female; one that will be able to sufficiently bear and sustain our progeny--the bigger the better as far as that goes. I personally put little stock in this idea. It seems way too easy. Plus, early humans were notorious for their dimwittedness. If you buy this theory, you're basically as dumb as a caveman, right?

If you want a more ridiculous explanation, you might be interested in Dutch mathematician Nicholas VanHüten's approach. In 1677, VanHüten released his Matchmaking Made Mathy in which he postulates that if you graphically model a woman's chesticular profile as a 2-dimensional cardioid, the area of that cardioid is equal to the sum of the digits of your perfect mate's birthday. In other words, a woman's breasts covertly (but uniquely) identify a set of perfect male suitors.

A VanHüten Cardioid

Believe it or not, the VanHüten method actually caught on for a while. In early 1700 Holland, it wouldn't be hard for you to find an Eigenbüber, or roughly translated, Breast Inspector, to carefully measure and cardioidically model your hooters, and direct you to your soul mate. Don't get too excited though. Johann Gauss, the infinitely more successful German mathematician, later called VanHüten's works "the grandest and most pompous perversion of mathematics since the invention of Pi." Besides, VanHüten posthumously debunked his own work in the 1970's when an ancestor donated his memoirs to a Dutch museum. In them, he describes his method as "fondling without all the litigation." So basically, he was just a perv.

No matter how you slice it, there's no answer to this question. I suspect if we ever do nail down an answer, we shall have discovered the meaning of life. Godspeed.

-Gork

My Little Wigwam Quim

Dr. Gork,

Are you dead? Or getting some serious quim?

Ewan Everett
Port Talbot, Wales

Easy E,

Thanks for worrying. See below for explanation of my absence. As you will soon know, the environment I was in didnt much cater to the carnal needs of an old goat like me. Probably for the best though. We all know how hard it is to stay perspicacious with quim on the brain. Good to be back Bro.

-Gork

Grounded, Bleeding, or Lost

Dear Gork,

I am considering selling my car and purchasing an Ostrich. What are your thoughts?

-Bird Trotter

BT,

On the surface this smells like an awesome idea. I mean hell, it worked for that Swiss Robinson family, but if we delve a little bit deeper, I think you'll see why this fad hasn't caught on. Let's say you sell your car, on which you would spend $5K/yr on just to maintain, for $10K. That's 15 big dogs in your pocket that you would not have otherwise had. Ok, that sounds pretty good. Now consider that a purebred African Ostrich grown to riding age will set you back anywhere from 2 to 5 grand, depending on several breeding factors. If that sounds like a lot, that's because it is. If you're feeling penurious, you could spring for a slightly less costly ratite like a Hornbacked Eurasian Emu or even a cheap Kiwi, remembering of course that the hornback is aptly named and would not make for a comfy ride unless you're into that sort of thing, and that the kiwi is about same size as a rooster; you'd crush it before you even had him/her saddled.

Ok, so you're dishing it out for the ostrich, but your profit margin is still looking good, right? Wrong. It's going to cost you at least $1K to have the bird shipped to you. An ostrich will consume on average 60lbs of Blumpkin Brand Ostrich Food ® per week, and that's if you're not riding it to work everyday. To fuel a healthy, energized riding bird, it's going to cost $10K/year.

Well, this isn't looking so good anymore. Now imagine your new bird truck gets hurt or sick. Who knows how much it'll cost you to nurse it back to riding strength. Furthermore, in 2007 alone, there were 1100 ostrich-rider related deaths. So, the moral there is if you're going to do it, wear a helmet and bring an ostrich tranquilizer every time you ride.

All that said, my advice to you is scrap all this pressure of scrimping and saving. Quit trying to cut costs and just double your spending; keep your car AND get an Ostrich. That way you'll have transportation when your bird goes down, plus you'll have the added security of a viscious, Jurassic-era bird beast patrolling your property; There isn't a thief alive wiley enough to take that on. All in all, pretty stupid question. Keep em comin'.

-Gork

The Return of Gork

Dear Readers,



I've been through a lot in the last 6 months. I'm sure there are few words that can convey my sincerest apologies for not writing to you, but I must try. I can barely live with myself knowing my readership is out there thinking I'm dead, or worse.

I'm not going to mince words here. I've been living in a home for the mentally ill for the last half-year. Before you get ahead of yourselves, no, I am not "crazy". My story is a bizarre one, but if you bear with me, I think you'll understand, and with a little luck, you might even admire me. Here is my story:

I will start by telling you that I am, and have been for many years, the proud master of 3 beautiful Emporer Tamarins (if you dont know what an ET is, go here: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/2/27/Emperor_Tamarin_portrait_2_edit1.jpg) I have 2 males, Scribbles and Beanjo, and a female named Dawson's Creek. Despite their rambunctiousness and general recalcitrant nature, they are excellent life companions. Anyways, some 13 months ago, Beanjo went missing. I soon found out that my neighbor had set a series of monkey traps up in his yard to keep my babies from destroying his prized hydrangea bushes, which they had a surprising propensity for. Well, short story long, Beanjo became entangled in one of these rather inhumane monkey traps and severely injured one of his wrists. As you might imagine, I became enraged and took my neighbor's life. As you probably don't further imagine, the judicial machine saw this as an overreaction.

As an unlicensed, untrained legal know-it-all, I naturally represented myself in court. I quickly realized that the judger was no lover of Tamarins and was leaning towards convicting me for homicide (I know, right?). That's when I pulled a slick legal maneuver and played the crazy card. After showing the jury some of my writings and even a few excerpts from this very column, I successfully tricked them into believing I was bonkered. You and I both know the score...I'm no more crazy than anybody else, but I had to do it.

Judge Elper Goldfax sentenced me to an indefinite stay at the local insanitarium house, where I was not allowed to practice any form of fake medicine. Hence, the discontinuity in this column. I am now free, living life to its half-fullest every day, and caring for Scribbles, Beanjo, D's.C., and I'm happy to announce that the three of them have produced a bouncing baby girl that has yet to be named. Any suggestions? I'm leaning towards something like "Monkey Trap" or "Injustice" in honor of my recent ordeal. I look forward to catching up on the endless backlog of reader submissions and can't wait to tackle your new problems. Oh, and get out there and shop!

Sincerely,

The New and Improved Gork VanDonsler, PhB

Super Dumb

Hey Gork! Is the Elder, Gardener, the lamest supervillian of all time? Or should this distinction go to the space shark that Adam Warlock battled in the '70's? I can never decide!



-Burt Blagojevich

Kokomo, IL



BB,



This one is tough. The pantheon of comic supervillains is rife with bungling buffoons vying for the distinction. Let's step outside your bounds of the Gardener and space shark (although they're worthy of the discussion) and consider some other choices. In 1964, Grundle Comics introduced a dastardly vicious supervillain called Thanksgiving Beast. He was known only for sneaking into homes and cooking huge turkey meals for no one to eat. He would then slip out the back door, leaving a massive mess for the homeowners to clean up...Grundle killed TB off in '65 after selling zero copies nationwide. Not to be outdone, Bim Shimkee released a series of graphic novels called "Elk Banshee: The Reckoning". It was the story of an undead elk beast, half elk, half well-to-do midget; doomed to roam the earth. The story lines were poor at best, usually culminating in Elk Banshee's predictable near-demise. I guess the bottomline is that I spent way too much time on this response. You can decide for yourself who the lamest one is.

-Gork

Thrice As Nice

Gork,

I have 3 butt openings. Only the big one functions, and I'm not sure where the other ones lead to. Everybody I show them to tells me I'm a mutant. What's going on here?

-Larry P.
Old Craxton, SD

Larry,

You're only supposed to have one hairy nickel, so in a way, you are a mutant. That term has some negative connotations, but if we're being honest...that's what you are. It's entirely possible that one of your parents also had a "triple crown" and passed it on to you. This is how evolution works.

I might suggest you refrain from showing them off so much. That will likely cut down on the criticism. On the other hand, you could always just embrace it and take your show on the road. I personally don't care what you do.

-Gork

Eye of the Beholder...

Dr. Gork,

May I call you Bruce? I wasn’t sure if you possessed any ophthalmology knowledge but I was hoping you’d be able to shed some light on my current medical predicament. I am an avid contact wearer but for the last few days, I’ve had to wear my glasses due to waking up with goop incrusted eyes. It makes it difficult for me to open them in the mornings when they are sealed shut. What can I do to get rid of my eye boogers?

-Possum
Methamvania, MO

Possum,

Unfortunately, I'm not an ophthalmologist, but my dentist is. I asked him about your goopy eyes, and he told me to slag off. He's a cocksucker.

Your goopy eye discharge is caused by one of 3 things. Most likely, you have herpes of the eye, better known as "Canker Eyes". This can only be contracted by direct and prolonged, uninterrupted contact of your eyeballs with genital herpes. About 1 in 6 people will contract canker eyes in their lifetime, so don't fret. I only know of one treatment. You'll need to put a thick layer of brand name ketchup on your eyelids before you go to bed. After applying the ketchup, place a blindfold dampened with extra virgin olive oil around your head so that it covers your eyes. When you wake up, remove the blindfold, but DO NOT WASH YOUR EYES. You'll need to repeat this for at least 2 weeks. Even if you think you're cured before that, don't stop. Canker goop can live dormant behind your eyes for a long time. There's a slight chance that the discharge is a side effect of some medication you're taking or, even less likely, you have pink eye. It's impossible to tell, so you better just try the ketchup therapy.

-Gork

PS, don't ever call me Bruce...ever.

Mountain Mama

helo miztr goork. i luv reeding you're collum? yuo ar deafnitly the smrtest preson i no. cud yuo help me wiht a problum! i seam too hav losed mi pokit buk. ime prity shur itz inn mi pokit. yep. hear it iz. thnak yuo doktur goork. yuo sow smrt?

-thema hiller billy
Talkfunny, WV

THB,

You must be one of those e-hicks I keep hearing about. Apparently, there are clusters of you popping up all over the old south. You've got all the charm of old school white trash, but you're a little bit tech savvy on the side...I like it.

This reminds me of a few years ago when I spoke at a goat polishing seminar in Arkansas. The organizers paid me in moonshine and goat sauce.

I don't know why I do this, I really don't.

-Gork

When in Rome...

dear dr. gork,
the other day on the cart to work, i met an attractive woman and squeezed a date out of her. we went to dinner and a campfire and then back to her place for a little extra 'cat on dog' action. everything was going well until i left the barn stall to relieve myself and upon coming back, happened to get a glimpse of her laying chest down on the haypile facing the foot of the haypile. in this foreshortened pose, she looked almost exactly like emperor constantine's mom. i had to excuse myself for obvious reasons, and she has since sent for me a couple times, but i don't know what to say. i mean, come on, i can't even find rome on a map, much less date one of its rulers' mothers. is she constantine's mother? what should i tell her? what are you hearing?

sincerely,
germanic wanderer #305

G-dub 305,

This is a tough one. Without a picture, I can't say for sure who this lady is, but let's try some deductive reasoning. We know from our history parties that Constantine ruled Rome in the early 300's AD. Our math readings tell us this was about 1,700 years ago. The longest living person on record died at 122 yrs old. Now, put all that together and I think we can say with 75% certainty that you made love to a farm animal. If you don't buy that, consider this; you say this woman was attractive. Roman peasants often referred to Connie's mom as "Regina de Animus Aegus Culus" or roughly translated, "queen with a face like a pig anus." I just blew your mind right? Sorry bud.

-Gork

Dr. Dork

My Dearest Gork,

I have no idea as to what your expertise may be, but I was hoping you could help me out with a question--and maybe help some readers as well. As I am aging (and I would rather not disclose my age), I am finding that I still think that I'm pretty fun and cool. I do not feel my age at all--even burdoned with the responsibilities of grown-up life. How is it that I can still feel like I'm cool, when I remember being a teenager and looking at people who were the age I am now and thinking they didn't have a clue about life?? And why is it that when I was a teenager, I thought I was sooo cool and now I look at teenagers and think THEY just don't have a clue?

Sincerely, Me, a dork? Impossible!

Dear Impossible Dork,

Thanks for the dorky question. You've heard the old adage that goes something like, "you're only as old as you feel", right? Well, unfortunately for you, the wisdom of that idiom only applies to age. You cannot say, "you're only as dorky as you feel" and get away with it. Just because you "feel" like you still got it doesn't mean you do. On the other hand, if you feel like you've lost it, then you probably have. That said, "cool" is still a pretty subjective term, so I've developed a more scientific approach. Let's measure coolness or "suaveness" in jean jacket units. Now let's say that suaveness (S) is dependant on your base personality (BP). This way, we can chart S vs. Age for each of the 19 different base-personalities. Then we just find your chart and check your jean jacket units. Here's the chart for the STL (Small Town Lady) BP...incidently, I've gleened from your question that this is your BP. Notice that S is constant until age 13 (13 yr olds have no jju's), then it rises sharply until the age of 21, and finally it plummets to negative infinity. This should help you to tell exactly how dorky you are if you ever start feeling cool again. Hope that helps.

-Gork

Letting It All Hang Out

G,

I don't have much of a question. I just want some tips.

Here goes nothing:

In modern times, it is consistently being stressed that, in order to attract the opposite sex, you need to advance, retreat, advance, retreat (if you need references, I could probably make some up, and get them to your secretary). Being that I'm in the corporate world, I'm finding it harder and harder to decipher what the females in my company are signaling with their tight-fitted, yet conservative attire. What is one way that I could help myself (and maybe others) in the uphill battle of office romance?


Appropriately Anonymous,

If you want to help yourself, go out there and do it. If you want to help other guys your age, or guys that aren't your age too, then here's what you do. First, make a rough draft (first-initial-cut) of a one-breast bra. Give it to someone of the opposite sex that is willing to be the guinea pig. GET SPECIFIC AND IMMEDIATE FEEDBACK. Create a second draft. Rinse, repeat.

The End.

-Gork

Fool Me Once...

Gork,

Third time's a charm, right?

-L. Voss, Bamtucket, WI

L,

Ok, you're clearly having problems completing simple tasks like writing emails...either that, or you're messing with me. I think your number one problem is that you choose to wake up every morning and breathe. You are a goober. If you have a relevant question, please include that in your email. If not, knock this shit off. I usually don't curse, and even when I do, I usually regret it and wish I could take it back. This time, I've typed it and could go back at any moment and delete it. I've chosen not to (just in case you have any misconceptions about the tone of this answer).

-Gork

Pickled Cucumber Sauce

Dear Gork,

I have to say I'm pretty disappointed with your efforts on posting new poll questions. I really enjoy them. I felt the 10-1,000 pickles per month was a huge upset. I was sure it would be 1,000-100,000. So that got me thinking. Perhaps I eat too many pickles? Is this possible? I sure hope not. I mean sure my pee smells like dill but that's better than actual urine smell isn't it? I guess my main point was I hope you come up with a new poll question soon. Thanks for your time,

Vlasic Spears, La Porte City, IA

V,

First off, you have a great point about my poor poll performance. I will do better. In fact, I plan to use future poll results for a paper I'm writing about the West Coast-to-East Coast flow phenomenon regarding social tendencies and fashion gaffs. As for your pickle with pickles, your name tells me you might have a conflict of interests. By naming you after America's number 1 pickle producer, me thinks your parents sealed your fate...that of an unabashed pickle addict. All over-endulgances have their price. Your price-to-pay is enduring the overpowering, putrid, pungent stench of pickle pee every time you urinate. The fact that you enjoy the odor is even more problematic. Cut back on your pickle intake and take some Vitamin P...you'll be whiffing the odiferous scent of good old fashioned peepers in no time.

-Gork

P.S. visit the bottom of this blog to participate in a new poll question

Scams and Flams

dr. gork,

i believe the illuminati stuff. do you think we are all being controlled by a secret elite? and if so, why do they puppy guard their knowledge? if not, how might one go about starting their own local illuminati? please do not refrain from not intermittently using the word 'jehosephat' in your reply, as i was not a devout catholic as of last friday.
thank you

prince trilby, new devonshire on six-oaks, england

Your Lordship,

The "Secret Society" legends have been bouncing around since the dawn of mankind. Whether it's this "illuminati" you speak of, or the Priory of Zion, or the Masonic Right, or the Skulls, or Mormanism, one thing is for sure: none of them carry any weight if you choose not to believe in them. Maybe there is a secret elite out there telling us what to do. I say, more power to him. When you consider what a massive workload he's got, what with controlling the fates of 6.5 billion people and all, I'd say he's doing a fabulous job. I for one, put no stock in these silly, nonsensical sewer scams. You, Prince Trilby, are the master of your own fate. Your ill-advised Illumunati infatuation has you teetering on the edge of becoming a full blown basketcase. Nip this one in the wanger while you can young man. Jehosephat said it best when addressing the women's league of Babylon, "Never take in the rear what you can take in the front." Heed and be rewarded my royal compadre.

-Gork

False Advertising

Hello dr. gork,

I have read your q and a blog and find it fantastic and enthralling. I am telling all my buddies about it all the time. I had a really good question for you: where can i get some nepepniciden for my clamkalgg disorder? They say it looks like rain for those with clamkalgg. My local specialist is a scam clam, so i'm not getting much help there. Anything?

-steven michaggaaaananggganngnangnn

Steve,

Ease up on the keyboard mashing. Nepepniciden is really not that hard to come by these days, but I'm not quite sure you want it. In the early 60's, a sleezy pharmaceutical company called Plooper & Murglestein marketed Nepepniciden under the name "Neptide" (street name "Nep") as a cure for the common cold. You and I now know Nep as Crystal Meth. Ploop and Murg went down on fraud and public endangerment charges not long after they introduced the wonder drug, but their legacy remains (see the braindead, toothless hookers on your local street corner if you don't believe me). I suggest you steer clear of the angel dust for now and focus on finding someone that can effectively treat your scrotum rash. You better find yourself a good over-the-counter scrote balm and start making some phone calls. God help you.

-Gork

Horn of Plenty

Gork,

I have a serious problem. Shortly before the Halloween parade, I began purchasing pumpkins and gourds to decorate my home for the Autumn holidays. By the time T'gives rolled around, I had accummulated somewhere around 1,200 gourmpkins. Needless to say, I went a little overboard. Now that gourmpkin season is over, I've got to unload these things, and fast. The stench of rotting pumpkin guts has cost me dearly...my husband moved out, our horse overdosed on pumpkin slop, and the neighbors are threatening to call the coppers if I don't do something about it. What can I do?

-Beverly, Muff Creek, PA


Bev,

This is certainly a new one. You know you're insane, right? That aside, if I know pumpkins like I think I do, your entire menagerie is a mess of mushy, deflated puke balls by now. Clearly, no one in their right mind is going to take them off your hands. As I see it, your only option is to bury them. You'll need to hire a construction crew to come out and dig a grand canyon crater somewhere close by. Keep in mind, this is really a temporary solution...come gourmpkin season next year, you'll be up to your snooch in pumpkin weeds. I recommend moving out of the area after you take care of business...sounds like you've got nothing left to stay for anyways. Good luck B-pig.

-Gork

TCC JAM

Dr. Gork,

Donovan McNabb's recent admission that he did not know his own sport's overtime rules got me thinking: what would be the equivalent of this snafu for a pro basketball player?

Jim Rome
Tarzana, CA

Jim,

Incoming mail has been a bit light of late, which I attribute to the economic crisis coupled with hurricane Katrina. As a result, I'm forced to publish your silly question. We need look no further than Mr. Basketball himself: Yownis Spooch, a 6'11 Forward for the Madison Cheese Pucks in the now defunct TCC, A.K.A "The Cheese Circuit" (the TCC was founded and folded in October, 1999). During a post game interview, Yownis was asked about his unorthodox shot selection. This was based on Yownis shooting 5 for 27 overall and 0 for 11 from the half court line in a massive 116-24 loss to the Green Bay Bries. Yownis explained that he had made 3 baskets in a row early in the game without giving up any points to the opponents, and as such, was considered to be "on fire". He went on to explain that when a player is on fire, they can shoot from nearly anywhere and be sure to sink the shot. By the time it was explained to Yownis that this was not the case, it was already too late. Yownis broke his neck in the next game while attempting an impossible 360 dunk shot from the the 3-pt line.

-Gork

Thick, Lustrous Oatmeal

Hey Dr. Gork!

In these hard economic times I am trying to cut back some to save money and have decided an oatmeal diet is the way to go. Cheap, nutritious . . . but not too tasty. What can I add to zestify my evening bowl? Tonight I tried oregano, olive oil and parmesan cheese with less than zestupendous results. Any thoughts?

Will Burke
DeWitt, IA

Will,

That's a tough one. Oatmeal is definitely the right choice for somebody trying to cut back on their grosh bills, but most of the good fixin's for oatmeal are costly by themselves. In doing some research, I found a great cookbook by Omar Juff called "A Thrifter's Guide to DIY Oatmeal Spice." I recommend you check this book out for yourself, but here a few things Omar suggests: Cat syrup, Fig Newtons, Mt. Dew (diet), pumpkin slop, and (of course) Goat Sauce. Those should definitely get you started on the road to cheap, delicious oatmeal. I'm getting hungry just writing about it...

-Gork

God Bless Ameroca

Gork,

what can you tell me about the FEMA internment camps that have sprouted up across the US? some say a state of martial law is imminent, following a total collapse of the dollar and subsequent rise of a pan-american currency to be called the Amero. should i be worried or, in the immortal words of george bush in response to terror war, should i go shopping?
thanks,

-japanese american

JA,

I think you're overreacting by just a smidge. I'm going to assume that you are indeed a Japanese American, and therefore maybe a little sensitive about the concept of an internment camp, given what happened to your peeps during dubya dubya two. I assure you, there's no cause for alarm. I guess what I'm trying to say is GET OUT THERE AND SHOP! No need to worry about a thing. If you want to be safe, I recommend charging all your purchases. That way you can save your real cash for a rainy day, or trade it in for more valuable "Amero's" when they become available next fall. Hope that answers your question and good luck friend.

-Gork

Jam Rags and Johnny's

Gork,

One of my muckers recently told me I need to "loosen up." Should I listen to him or is he just a poof? I thought I was pretty deadly already.

-Too Tight in Tipperary

Too Tight,

Your mucker's right on the money. Sounds to me like you're wound up like a dickey dazzler makin tits with a doxie. It might be time to head for the local for a pint or two. Then again, that hoor's melt of a mucker might need a square kick to the gooter.

-Gork

Come Sit On My Lap

Dear Gork,

I'm desperately in need of some social guidance. I'm an easy going guy (I think), but I'm very awkward in social settings. I always say the wrong thing or take things too far. I try to be funny and it just comes off as offensive. The other night, I approached some girls at a bar. I tried to be suave and tell one of them she was totally my type, but the words came out all wrong. I ended up saying "You have a huge ass." Needless to say, she wasn't impressed. Even my wife is getting fed up with my social clumsiness. Got any tips for a brother in need?

-Lap Flynn, Houchens, CT

Lap,

You're trying too hard. You need to take the pressure off if you want consistent social chemistry. I've counseled a number of men on this topic and come up with some exercises to help ease the social tension. I want you to try a few and see if they don't help.

I call the first one Parametric Phrase Reversal. The concept is simple. Whenever you start a conversation, you systematically jumble the words around. For example, "If I had a nickel for every time I heard that, I'd be rich" becomes "If I heard that for every nickel I've had, I'd be rich." Another example: "This might seem like a weird question, but would you like to play hide the sausage?" becomes "This might sound like a weird sausage, but would you like to play hide the question? It makes for a hilarious conversation starter and it takes your mind off the pressure.

The second one is a little more advanced, but slightly more effective. I call it The Boozehound Bump. Start by ordering 5 drinks at the bar. Gather all of them up in your hands like you're planning to deliver them to your friends. On the way, sneak up behind a girl of your choosing so that she doesn't notice you're there. Wait for her to take an innocent step backwards. That's when you make contact and the drinks go flying. She'll feel bad and you'll be in like Flynn...just be careful not to spill too much on the girl. Her guilt might be overcome by animosity.

If these techniques don't work, you might be beyond my unprofessional help. Give them a try and let me know what happens. Good Luck Lap!

-Gork

Mi Familia

Hey Gork!

I'm a 19 year male. Also, I'm a polygamist. So....my problem. I have aspirations of being a doctor so that I can provide for my two families. I currently have two wives, and one of them has already been blessed with my first born son. Since we're fairly young and have no money, I rely completely on my parents' finances to get me through school. Currently, my wives and I each live under our own parents' houses. My parents are threatening to cut me loose unless I rid myself of the childless wife. Obviously, I am in a bit of a bind. Help!

Sincerely,

Mike Sure-Ruggles
Candice, FL

Mike,

Finally, a polygomy question! I've got a soft spot for you guys. Clearly, you've bitten off more than you can chew, but don't fret. Most 19 yr olds have 0 wives, so in a sense, you're already twice as good as your peers. On the other hand, you can't support yourself, let alone 2 families, so in a sense, you've dug a hole twice as deep as the average 19 yr old. Those two factors cancel each other out, so basically, you're right there neck and neck with your monogomist buddies.

Your parents say they'll cut the chord? I say prove it! Your "sticky sitch" is mostly their fault for letting you enter into 2 unsupportable marriages. The guilt would be overwhelming. If I were you, I'd ride out the storm and do nothing. Just to be safe, it might be best to quickly impregnate your other wife. Oh, and forget about med school. If you're lucky, you'll have just enough time to struggle through a 2 year trade school and hit the streets as a very bad plumber or dry wall artist. Whatever happens, it's gonna be a wild ride.

-Gork

Chip On His Shoulder

Hey Gork,

What time is the Norm McDonald show this Thursday? I'm not talking about the sitcom. I do like sitcoms though. Did you ever see that episode of friends when Ross was trying to move his couch? He kept saying "pivot". Do you think it should be traveling when you move your pivot foot? My foot smells. I think I stepped in some dog pooh. My dog's name is Cozmo. I named him after a sitcom character. He was on Seinfeld, not the Norm McDonald show. What time is this show? Not the sitcom, the show at Penguins. Tomorrow. Thanks.

-Chip Longwell- Beantown USA

Chip,

I'm working on my third imaginary PhD and you want to ask me what time the Norm MacD show starts? I have to say, I'm pretty flummoxed. My first thought was to hit the buhlete button and forget I ever heard of Chip Longwell, but after taking a deeper look, I can see that you're a deeply troubled guy in need of some sassy professional help...you've come to the right place. First off, stop watching Friends reruns, it's no good for you. I suggest you stick to reruns of Dharma and Greg or Caroline in the City. The writing is better and the life lessons are far more relevant to the everyday American. Secondly, yes, the pivot foot is the most powerful tool in any warbird's toolbox. Master it, you'll dominate any tiny school in western Illinios (including the F.U.C.K.'s). Finally, start putting a little vitamin C in Cozmo's food. You'll still step in his "leavings" and it will still stink like hell, but he'll be as healthy as a horse. I hope this helps you.

-Gork

P.S - The Norm MacDonald show starts at 8 at the QC Penguin's Comedy Club.

Of Mice and Women

Hey Gork! Great blog.

I have a rare condition known as "double-barreled mouseberger" syndrome. This syndrome results in the afflicted growing a second male appendage shortly after birth. Throughout my life I have been cursed with two dongs. Strangely this seems to be a turnoff to women after they meet them both. My question is, should I acquire a girlfriend for each mouseberger so women do not feel the pressure to satisfy both? Thanks for your help!

-Jeff P. Madison, WI

Jeff,

Fabulous! I'm curious to know if you suffer from standard "DBM" or "LDBM" (Latent Double-Barreled Mouseberger"). For our readers unfamiliar with the syndrome, the former is present at birth, while the latter doesn't show it's mousy face until adolesence. I'll assume you have standard DBM. If that's the case, I'm sorry to tell you that you are the victim of a great injustice. DBM is highly inoperable after about the 1 year point, but before that, amputation is a very realistic option. Shame on your parents for not giving the doctor the chop sign.

On to your question. In your situation, I'd be pretty surprised if you could lock down one steady girlfriend, let alone two. I suggest you set your sights on finding one girl that you can really connect with. At first, when things get intimate, give one of your micebergers "the tuck". As things progress and you feel comfortable, tell her the truth. If she's worth her weight in mice, she'll understand.

-Gork

Any Given Funday

Dear Gork,

hello, i am a 42 year old man with a penchant for football. i played a little in high school, and even tried out for the nfl before finally settling into my current position at long john silvers. i like to watch the games on sundays, but i still get the itch to get back in the game in some way, shape or form. here is my question: i have developed a new defensive scheme that i believe would be very successful, but i don't know how to go about implementing it, as i have no affiliation with a team of any kind. any suggestions? thank you and keep up the good work!

-Demetrius Carmichael, Logan Springs, OR

ps. my scheme consists of replacing the defense with offensive players. e.g.: a quarterback to cover the quarterback, a tightend to cover the tightend, etc. thereby cancelling out their offense, and allowing my offense to stay on the field for the entire game.

D,

I assume most NFL coaches test out their new schemes at the Pop Warner level before implementing them at the professional level. I suggest you sign up to be a little league coach at your local Rec Center. Put your idea into action and document the results. If it proves to be an idea worth pusuing, sign up to be an NFL coach and dazzle the rest of the league with your out-of-the-box thinking. Thanks for the great question! I have a feeling we'll be seeing you on the Sunday sidelines very soon.

-Gork

Surprise!

Dear Gork,

I'm thirty-seven, a female, and unmarried. I do have a (serious) boyfriend, and up until recently we had been discussing procreation at length until recently. A few weeks ago we were eating at this lovely little bistro in our neighborhood. He leaned over to me lovingly and said 'Hey, you have a hair on your collar", and he attempted to pull it off my collar. But there seemed to be something holding the hair back from being removed...it was my chin! It was a three-inch long chin hair, and he hasn't looked at me the same since. But he hasn't broken up with me. What should I do? Mary, Canton, IL

Mary,

Surely, you can't blame your boyfriend for being just a little put off by your untidy facial follicles. Not only is the increasing hairlessness of the female sex accepted, it's come to be expected in most mainstream cultures. As facial hair goes, it's been a female fopaux for about the last 3000 years. We all know that the interruption of hormonal harmony can cause a myriad of unwanted effects, but that's not an excuse for hygienic foppery. If you want your relationship to work out, show your boyfriend that you subscribe to the social norm. You can start by shaving your face pelt.

-Gork

Sleepless in Binghamton

Dear Gork,

I was recently sentenced to 6 years in prison for armed robbery, and my anniversary is next week. Last year, my wife and I agreed that we wouldn't get each other gifts, but this year, we never said anything about it. Should I get her a gift, or is last year's agreement still valid?

-Malcom, Binghamton, NY

Malcom,

Great question. My advice is to get a gift just in case, but don't give it to her until she gives you her present. If she doesn't give you a gift, you'll know that last year's precedent still stands. If she gives you something, you can whip out your gift and she'll be none the wiser. Don't forget to return the gift you buy if you don't use it...Lord knows you need the cash with all those legal bills.

-Gork

Sun through the clouds

Dear Gork,

Please stop being so misogynistic!


Sidenote: Do you have suggestions on how to be more 'on-the-go'?

Thanks!

Heidi, Browning, B.C.

Heidi,

I'm sorry you've interpreted any of my comments as misogynistic. Sometimes my blunt approach comes off as patronizing or slandering, but that's not the intent. Believe me when I tell you, I truly believe all women are equal to each other.

As for your question, I actually get this one from a lot of ladies, and I always answer it with the same 5 words: get out there and shop! Studies have shown that, next to coffee, shopping is the number 1 on-the-go activity. If you can't beat em, join em!

-Gork

No quibbles

Dear Gork,

I am in my first long term relationship with my current girlfriend. We've only dated a few months, but I can just tell, you know? Anyway. Here's my problem. While its my first, my girlfriend has had seven long term relationships prior to this one. Every single guy she's dated has cheated on her.

How do I tell my girlfriend that she has bad taste in men?

Ace, Beverly, MA

Ace,

The best way to let your girlfriend know is for you yourself to cheat on her. However, you shouldn't do it in the usual behind her back way. Instead, you should let her know ahead of time so she has time to process the deeper meaning of your actions. I realize you probably won't be able to actually cheat because your track record is apparently poor at best in that department. I suggest you lie to her and tell her you cheated anyways. The extra lie only further proves your point...your "Ace in the hole" so to speak.

-Gork

Matt Scratch Fever

Dear Gork,

As a man, I find it repulsive when other men have long fingernails and/or toenails. Yesterday, I asked a coworker if he could clip his fingernails out of respect for me. He became enraged and scratched me up pretty good. How do I make him understand that his long nails are disrespectful without sending him into another slap'n'scratch hissy fit?

-Matt G., Franzen, OR


Dear Matt,

It can be frustrating to work many days and many hours around people that don't have the same belief system as yourself. You should put yourself in his place. Maybe his belief system supports and encourages fingernail growth. And you should respect that. On the other hand, your coworker should realize that some people don't share the same belief system as himself. Perhaps your belief system is one in which fingernail growth is out of the question.

With this logic, neither one of you should be forced to cave to the other person's standards because you both have the right to make the choice to like or dislike fingernails. And you both have the right to hate each other for their beliefs. BUT, you don't have the right to not tolerate each other's decisions. Keep this in mind.

-Gork

Hey!

Hey Gork! It's me again. I guess I got cutoff on my first post.

-L. Voss, Bamtucket, WI

L,

What's your game here?

-Gork

Cigarette Police

Dear Gork,

Each day i drive past a cemetery on my way to work, and then again on my way home. in the morning i always see the caretaker out by the service shed having a smoke. and at night he is doing the same thing. normally this wouldn't be a big deal, but he happens to be dating my sister's best friend and i know for a fact that she doesn't know that he smokes! should i tell her that he is a dangerous liar, or is it none of my business? thank you for your speedy reply this is driving me absolutely bonkers!

Shelly Rodenski, Butte, MT

Shelly,

I guess we know why you are not your sister's best friend...you're a nark. Sorry to be harsh here, but it's true. If you are right, then there is some minor deceit going on in a relationship that doesn't concern you in any way. Honestly, it sounds like you are jealous that you don't have a guy that lies to you. There are plenty of semi-sincere men out there to go around. Don't ruin a semi-perfect relationship for your own selfish reasons.

-Gork

Help! I'm drowning over here.

Dear Gork,

I've spent all winter lifting weights and doing abdominal sit ups. Great, right? Wrong. For some reason I chose to only work the right side of my body, and swimsuit season is almost here! Should I wear a t-shirt in the pool?

Sincerely,

W. Barnson, Newport, RI


W,

No. Lay on your left side on as much as possible. Also to appear unassuming, do this: buy two swimsuits. One swimsuit will be black with vertical lightning-bolt lines. The other will be white with beige horizontal lines. Cut both of the suits down the middle, and then hem them together with the black/vertical suit on your left side. Hem the butt very poorly, as to draw attention away from your problem. I hope you got the answer you're looking for!

-Gork

Keyholes and Missed Connections

Dear Gork,

Long time reader, first time writer. For months I've been admiring my male neighbor from afar. About 3 weeks ago, said neighbor lost his key in the hallway and I managed to pick it up. I've spent the last three weeks trying to figure out a way to give it back to him. However, I'm afraid that if I return the key now he'll wonder why I waited so long. We live in a two-unit apartment building. What should I do? Just in case you ask, I'm 100% sure he never changed his locks.

Ambiguous in Detroit,

K. Tubbs

Amby,

Quite an interesting little predicament you've gotten yourself in here. The right thing to do is to give him back his key. The fun thing to do is to keep the key and continue sneaking into his apartment. The wrong thing to do is to keep the key and quit sneaking in. There are inherant risks associated with each option, so let's examine them seperately. First off, we already know that option 3 is the wrong thing to do, so we'll just scrap that altogether. If you give back the key, you can easily lie and say you just found it, absolving you of any wrongdoing. If you continue the "sneak" strategy, he may catch you in his apartment, and believe me, there are no little white lies that can get you out of that unscathed. My advice is to listen to your heart, meditate, pray...do whatever you must. When the time is right, sneak back into his apartment and eat some of his pizza.

-Gork

Ask Gork!

Dear Gork,

First of all, I love your column.

-L. Voss, Bamtucket, WI

L,

I can't help but feel you didn't finish your thought, but thanks for the kind words. Also, this is a blog, not a column.

-Gork


Dear Gork,

I'm a 41 yr old male, single, and looking desperately for anything exciting to come along. I have 2 questions. Firstly, what am I doing wrong in the dating world? I've tried everything from blind dates to internet dating, but never seem to get past the first date. I've never been married or had any long term relationships. Secondly, I recently cut off my weiner during a 36hr drug binge. Is there any way to get it back?

P.J., Whacko, TX

Peeje,

Thanks for writing in. While you say you have 2 questions, I think it's probably clear the issues go hand-in-hand. First and foremost, get a handle on your drug problem. Everything else will fall into place after that, except for your romantic life...that probably won't fall into place without a certain key instrument. The medical community has made great strides in the realm of appendage reattachment, but time is of the essence here. If you've been sitting around waiting for a reply to your question, it's too late. Good luck PJ!

-Gork